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The empty ignorance of all my knowing March 31, 2014

Posted by vsap in Blogroll.
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I can read it between lines of a crime novel

Sitting at a beach cabana near sunset on Montego Bay.

She told me, “It’s not manly to grovel,”

and I told her I wasn’t man enough to stay and I left that day.

I still hear the steel drum trio with the recorded music backing

but it was live enough for me and it made me get up and dance.

The beach had something the Manhattan walk-up was lacking

and I had to grab a southbound flight it like it was my last chance.

She called last week and left a message I deleted before I listened

and that was a kind of freedom I can’t remember ever feeling.

Then early on a June morning while I walked the sand and the water glistened

I was in a rare place where my gut hurt and my head was reeling.

Thinking I may call her back but, finally, I lost the peace and urgency

forgave myself and decided to delay all my decisions regardless of cost.

When I came to I found myself on the floor of a Miami Hyatt Regency

staring at the ceiling and contemplating what I lost.

Clannad’s song “Why Worry” came to me and I started to cry

and it had nothing to do with what I left or where I was going,

it was all about what is living and what I had to let die,

but it lived in the empty ignorance of all my knowing.

She tried another call and I picked up but she was talking fast

and Little Feat’s “Time Loves A Hero” started to interfere with the reception.

I heard her say the last thing she needed to discuss was the past

and she forgave and forgot my selfish negligence and deception.

“Will you come home?” I heard her ask and the silence just hung there

until I heard her whimper and I finally asked, “Why would I do that?”

In retrospect hanging up at that point was my version of ‘truth or dare’

then I got up, went to the window, scanned the beach, called room service for LaBatt’s

when they couldn’t fill my order I knew I was in the wrong place.

I checked out, took a cab to the airport and waited for the next flight for Chicago

even though I knew it was cold I just wanted to see the red cheeks of your face

and start all over like I knew what I wanted and the exact direction I needed to go.

We both knew I was wrong as we walked from the subway up to where it was snowing

and I became painfully aware of the ignorance of all my knowing.









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