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Dear Ol’ Delta Iota Chi September 19, 2010

Posted by vsap in Blogroll, Poetry, Uncategorized.
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Again, from 1994, so some of the references may seem dated. The rest is true.

I just received my annual fraternity dues notice, along with the latest brochure (and its sparkling prose about the rich lives of my new “brothers”). This got me thinking about my days in the frat house and how the literature I was gazing at didn’t exactly square with reality.
“Delta Iota Chi (AIX), The Bond of Brotherhood,” the front cover proudly proclaims about this legal cum social fraternity (affectionately known as the DIX), with the equally impressive sub-head, “Building Relationships For A Lifetime”, Well, if sharing 150 White Castles with 8 brothers at 3 a.m., or holding another man in your arms to prevent him from getting a concussion on the porcelain god while he upchucks a case of Bud and a box of
Kraft macaroni and cheese, is “brotherhood”, then I’ve lived the experience. If having one of your brothers marry your sister is “relationship for a lifetime,” I’ve got a guy the frat once voted least likely to stay sober under ANY circumstance as a real-lite brother-in-law.
“Pledging Delta Iota Chi offers professional and academic contacts like no other fraternity:’ I read on the inside flap. When I pledged, I remember feeling like a professional slave. “Hey, pledge, you’re lower than the lowest whale feces at the bottom of the sea,” George Rosen would boom, “Now, give Tits the cat a bath, NOW!!!” The very memory of that voice makes me pee my pants even today! George and Phil Barton were both third-year seniors who had educated all pledges over a six-year span. Phil was (in)famous for making
pledges dress like women and apply for jobs at Marshall Fields. Ben Furst was the only one to get hired and he lasted two years before he was redressed. Today he owns “Both Sides Now” boutique at Clark and Belmont. George manages a Balkan and Doran office at Stony Island and 95th. Why would I ever want to contact these guys’?

The academic contacts were not as advertised, either. Ian Coulter worked as a clerk in the Curriculum and Examinations Office. He copied ALL the exams for us fo:r about 3 years until Professor Weller got suspicious when he got anthropological answers to his 18th English Lit final. He knew that Cro-Magnums didn’t appear in anything Dryden. Ian was expelled immediately but he was inducted into the fraternity’s Rogue’s Gallery to
commemorate his achievements. He’s now an aide to Dan Rostenkowski.

“Excellence in athletics is a given,” the story continues. I’d say! Everything we got into was given to us! Curt Perry’s dad was the football coach. We always had at least five starters on the squad, but no finishers. Yes, Jim Parker did make it to the Omaha Red Win~fof the Major Indoor In-Line Rollerblade League (MII-LRL) and did a stint with the Beloit Dragons of the Arena Handball Association (AHA), but other than that our only claim to
fame was a 12th Place we struggled to during the Illinois Open Foosball Tourney in 1971.
“Sororities know the kind of men we are,” the brochure proclaims. They )rnew and they stayed the hell away…in droves! Geri Clark of Theta Theta Pi learned why one fateful night. She was dared by her sisters to go on a date with Carl Long. The only thing Carl was long on was D-I-G-U-S-T-I-N-G. Carl took her to Slimey’s Cove for a few beers, then to Erotica XXX Theatre, then abruptly abandoned her at Howard. and Ashland about 1 a.m. where she was promptly arrested for solicitation. She was held for 48 hours before anyone
could find Carl, who had passed out drunk in his car just a block away. Carl had made sure her sisters couldn’t be any help since he sliced the phone line to the sorority house and had stolen all the batteries from their cars! I heard Carl’s now an ACLU attorney in the Lorena Bobbitt division.
“Your continued support is necessary and sincerely appreciated,” is the final touch. I supported some pretty bad habits and brothers in my time. Like the time we had the pizza-eating contest to raise money for Chris Pulleys “critically needed” medical procedure. Well, Christine Pulley turned out to be homecoming queen the next Fall. Or how about the road trip to St. Louis that took 14 days (one way) and over $20,000 in house endowment equity
money between beer, bail, repairs and/or replacement of at least 4 cars, one bed and breakfast, and a half-dozen roadside restrooms. And who could forget the hundreds of dollars we lost at the chugging contest at Purdue? We put up our best, Mark Bolton (known to chug 6 pitches without a burp!). Sigma Tau Pi, Lambda Omega, and Kappa Kappa Alpha, one by one they fell to Mark. We all got big heads and pooled $650, mostly from the treasurer’s church offering, for ANYONE who could out-belt our champion. Then, Megan
“Big Bertha” Kalmaduski, stepped up. She guzzled a 15th and slammed down the pitcher, much to our horror, as Mark passed out in mid-gulp and laid as cold as a mackerel in a sea of Schlitz.
I thought about all of this for a moment and shook my head, slowly and knowingly. What else could I do? I grabbed my checkbook and doubled my past donations!

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Comments»

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