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It was a thought that led me to this November 6, 2007

Posted by vsap in Poetry, Uncategorized.
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It was a thought that led me to this,

burning throat and moist eyes as if they were

an old faucet that wouldn’t shut off,

the water just making its way around the worn

washer,  just doesn’t seal right, just doesn’t close.

Stomach talking like its been handling five alarm chili

and arms as weak as cooked noodles, cartoonish,

but there’s nothing funny about this scenario.

I stepped back, then and tried to collect myself,

maybe a cigarette, if I had a light, or a cigarette,

or if i knew how to smoke, but I could fake it.

Then it occurred to me that’s what I was doing all along

and now, like a bookies’ collector or the repo man,

it’s all coming due, at once, and with a vengeance.

I shifted my weight to my right foot and leaned hard

against the wet brick and mortar that was holding me up.

Looking up, I turned my head so I could hear my neck pop

or at least crackle so I could possess a moment of relief.

It wasn’t happening and it couldn’t and I knew it

but I wanted to believe, if just for a moment, I wanted to.

Like playing the lottery, it’s best to understand losing

before you even go in because it only takes a second to

prepare for winning – get a lawyer, a CPA, select the entourage.

That’s the easy part, what’s hard is the restlessness of losing,

knowing you won’t win but betting you will and no just once,

frequently, and always believing the next will be it, then

I’ll be the landed gentry, I’ll claim the wealth I should have been

born to but for a simple twist of fate, was not.

And you all laugh at me, even if you do the same, even if

your way isn’t as obvious as mine, even if my way is clouded,

I think it’s my eyes, throat, stomach,  somebody call 9-1-1.

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